In Japan, they have developed a new green machine that turns regular paper into toilet paper. Kind of like what Wall Street did with the dollar. - Jay Leno
Don't think of me as a talk show host; think of me as a good friend whose phone number none of you have. - Jimmy Kimmel
It was on this day in 2004 that Facebook was launched. Could you believe it was just six years ago that you could lose touch with people you don't like? - Craig Ferguson
I returned home from my ninth business trip of the year with a severe bout of jet lag – induced foot-in-mouth disease. As we prepared to go to sleep that night, I wrapped my arms around my better half, gave her a kiss, and announced, "It's good to be in my own bed, with my own wife!"
*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------*
A lawyer phoned the governor's mansion shortly after midnight. "I need to talk to the governor, it's an emergency!" exclaimed the lawyer.
After some cajoling, the governor's assistant agreed to wake him up. "So, what is it that's so important that it can't wait until morning?" grumbled the governor.
"Judge Pierson just died, and I want to take his place," begged the attorney.
"Well, it's OK with me if it's OK with the funeral home," replied the governor.
A Catholic minister was invited to dinner at a parishioners place. He accepted the invitation with the thought in mind that he may be able to resolve a rumor about the family.
He arrived early and, as all pastors are able to do, delved into a back and forth banter that would include all members of the family. During a short lull when the wife was there between preparations, he had his chance. So he said, “Could you enlighten me about a ‘cleanliness’ rumor I heard?”
The wife thought a minute and replied, “Cleanliness? I’m not sure how to answer. We always keep things clean with soap and water.”
That seemed to satisfy the minister and he led the rest of the time with light banter right on through the dinner hour.
After dinner he watched as the wife placed all the dishes and cooking pans on the linoleum kitchen floor. Then she opened the back door to the yard and called, “Here Soap! Here, Water!” In bounded the two family pets that went directly into the kitchen and began “doing” the dishes. The wife quickly collected the "cleaned" dishes and stacked them neatly in their places in her cabinets.
Dishes done. Rumor resolved.
Three golfers, Jesus, Moses and an old man, get to the 18th tee. It's all tied. All three have the same score.
Jesus' second shot goes into the water and lands on a rock. He walks on the water out to the ball and hits it within a foot of the hole.
Moses' second shot also goes into the water and sinks. He parts the water and then hits his ball within a foot of the hole.
The old man also hits his second shot into the water, but it lands on a water lily. A frog comes out of the water and takes the ball. Just then a bird swoops down and grabs the frog and carries him, with the ball, right over the 18th hole where the frog drops the ball right into the cup.
Moses turns to Jesus and says, "You know, I really hate playing with your Dad."